No wonder Mayer arrived, apparently sans Simpson but also without a Free Press interview, at Toronto for dates in Canada, including tomorrow night's show at the John Labatt Centre.

Then, there is the hideously funny couple nickname: Fug and Jugs -- as in Fug for Mayer (because he's the "borefriend"), and Jugs for Simpson (return to the explanation for the twins, if you must).

All that keeping track of the race to the altar F&J are supposed to be in with Nick Lachey (Simpson's ex) and somebody called Vanessa Minnillo.

Everybody knows how close F&J are to edging out Nick and MTV host Vanessa -- or it might be the reverse, I can't keep track -- in that contest. Talk about Newlyweds hell.

These days, it appears Jessica/Messica's every move is covered by cameras held by panting pursuers just waiting for the glimpse of a Simpson nipple -- or any wardrobe malfunction.

"Since Jessica hasn't worn tight clothes for a long time, she might have forgotten her actual size or maybe 'relationship 15' is finally taking a toll," Hollyscoop.com mused about a sans-Mayer night out this week.

It is a tough job chasing Simpson and "the girls" -- please check in with the earlier definitions of jugs and the twins -- around various celeb sites for convincing video of such malfunctions. If they are there, my iMac is not up to the task.

To think, Simpson has been in London before. She played Centennial Hall in March 1999, well down the bill headlined by 98 Degrees, the boy band starring Lachey. How cute.

Tell it like it is Free Press colleague Sandra Coulson took no prisoners on that night: "The weakest of the three (other acts) was Jessica Simpson with Barbie-doll looks, clueless mannerisms and a voice that tends toward the squeaky. The teen from Dallas has been welded to 98 Degrees lately after coming into commercial music from gospel," Sandra wrote.

Lui has wondered how real that F&J romance really is. From what she understands, when the cameras aren't around, the two have no chemistry and are awkward and uncomfortable around each other.

I'm new at this celeb couple stuff, but that might also mean they are saving their passion for their own world. Just ask the hotel guests in Rome who were said to be aroused (in several senses of the word) by a loud and happy Italian celeb coupling by our heroes.

Lui says the recent hot photos of John and Jessica -- contrived or not -- are driving Vanessa crazy with jealousy. Vanessa? You remember her. Vanessa Minnillo. You must remember Vanessa. She's the one who is racing to the altar with Nick Lachey so they can beat John and Jessica to be married on the rebound first.

Late in that show, he emerged in a red T-shirt which had a photograph of a gorgeous blond. She looked a lot like supermodel Heidi Klum, rumoured to be his girlfriend then.

Now, Mayer has a catalogue going back to 2001's Room for Squares and its hits such as No Such Thing and Your Body is a Wonderland. He has Grammys, including wins in 2003, 2005 and 2007.

He has the guitar to go with the catalogue.And he has the buzz and baggage that goes with being part of a celeb couple. He also may have the perfect answer for all of us on the celeb beat.

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